Well they make me laugh!

I didn’t want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a motorway maintenance worker. But whenever I called round all the signs were there.

I’ve got a mate who’s a shepherd and the other day he said “I’ve got 38 sheep. Can you round them up for me?” So I said “Sure, you’ve got 40 sheep.”

The Chinese have just launched a spaceship full of chocolate bars to the International Space Station. Or it may just be Chinese Wispas.

My mate is trying to get over his fear of German sausages by eating ten of them this weekend. He says he’ll give it a go but he’s expecting the wurst.

I went to the hair dressers the other day and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise. So they gave me a cushion to sit on.

I saw an advert the other day “TV £1 only but volume stuck on full.” I thought I can’t turn that down.

A man goes into a pet shop and asks “How much are your spiders?” The owner replies “£85” The man says “That’s too much. I can get one cheaper on the web.

I went into a cake shop in Glasgow the other day. I asked the woman “Is that cake in the window a vanilla slice or a meringue?” She said “No, you are right. It’s a vanilla slice.”

I had a really bad day the day. I went out of the house and a prawn cocktail hit me in the face. And that was just for starters.

I phoned the local gym the other day and asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. They asked how flexible I was so I answered “Well I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”

I have been watching a group of men carrying a coffin wandering aimlessly round and round the local cemetery today.
I think they have lost the plot.

I watched an RAC man in his van earlier; he was wailing and sobbing uncontrollably, then all of a sudden he put his flashing amber beacon on and drove off down the road. I think he's heading for a breakdown.

Badum tish!

And more!!

I said to my son "Where are you going ?"
He said I'm off to meet a girl.
I said "Dont forget to wear a...you know."
"What he said ?"
I said "You know."
He said"Do you mean a condom?"

I said "No,a fucking hat you ginger cunt."

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room.
As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment,
The old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is
serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile,
"May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers,
"I was wondering, young lady," he whispers,
"are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs:
"Yes Sir, I sure am."

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly,
"Well, wash your hands real fucking good because
I want a cheeseburger."

I found my girlfriend dead this morning.
She just lay there lifeless.
So i decided to fuck her one last time.
Then all of a sudden she jumped up and shouted BOO..
Some people are just sick in the head.

Elton is changing the baby's nappy, when he stops, fondly smiles, and turns to David.
"You know, he reminds me of you".

David, deeply moved, replies, "In what way, dearest? Is it my nose?"
Elton replies: "No".
David scratches his head and askes "Is my my eyes? Mouth?"

"Oh no David, that's not it at all" says Elton. "He's got poo all over his knob!"

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate ...Do you think:

(a) You need more time together,

(b) She's a prude, or

(c) She should sit somewhere else on the bus?

My wife just came down from having a bath, gave me a wink and said, "I've just shaved my pussy, you know what that means?"

I said "the plughole's blocked?"

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

My mate's shagging twins, who both like it up the arse. I asked "how do you tell them apart?" He said "oh thats easy," "Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaven fanny and Derek's got a moustache and big bollocks!"

A Chinese guy goes to a Jewish shop to buy black bras, size 38.

The Jew, being a shrewd businessman, says that black bras are rare and he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy agrees to the price and buys twenty five.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock of fifty, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - what do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jews for $200.00 each."

You know your new girlfriends rough when......you ask for a blow job and she says 'not tonight, I'm tired. just wank in a cup and ill drink it in the morning'.

And some more funnies

Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”
____________________________________________________

Wife says to husband, “If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car.”
He replies, “If you take it up the ass and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!”
____________________________________________________

What’s the difference between an illegal and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own fucking bike, and wanted to go home!
____________________________________________________

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!”
____________________________________________________

Got this text from my brother recently.
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while?
The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.
It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”
______________________________________________________

Was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
____________________________________________________

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
____________________________________________________

My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.
”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”
____________________________________________________

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?
_____________________________________________________

The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, and gets out of his car demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! The officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly begins questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy angrily signs the ticket, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his licence, so he has hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimilie of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket that you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH", underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, Officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, sir."

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."

What do we want?

A cure for Tourettes.

When do we want it?

Cunt

..........................
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night & the locals were shouting paedophile & other nasty names
at me just because shes 19 & im 42 it completly spoilt our 10th anniversary !

..........................
I gave my son an inflatable doll today.He said "Dad if i want sex I'll get a girlfriend"
I said "Fucking dream on Ginger"

An American tourist asks an Irishman:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall
Backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:

"Well If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the fucking boat."

Me too, keep them coming....

these are great!

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist berks. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan?" He replies, "Outside playing with Paki-Dave".

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.
Paddy buys a new laptop, and it goes wrong almost immediately, so Mick comes over to fix it. 'OK Paddy I'll need your pasword' he says. Paddy replies: 'Snowwhiteandthe7dwarfs'. 'Bloody Hell Paddy, why did you choose that?'
'Well', says Paddy, 'they said the password had to have at least 8 characters, and contain one num

Oh fuck, I nearly wet myself reading those!

But you do anyway!

True.